How to recognize when you’re self-soothing vs. self-sabotaging

At the core of both self-soothing and self-sabotage is a need.

Many of the behaviors we judge ourselves for began as attempts to cope. We reach for comfort, distraction, or control not because we are broken, but because some part of us is trying to feel safer. Learning to recognize the difference between self-soothing and self-sabotaging starts with curiosity — not self-criticism — and with listening to what the nervous system is asking for in each moment.

Self-soothing supports regulation and presence

Self-soothing behaviors help your body regain its balance after stressful events or experiences. They help the nervous system calm down after being stressed or otherwise activated. Examples of self-soothing behavior include: taking deep, steady breaths, getting grounded by doing something physical, finding rest, writing in a journal, or speaking with a trusted friend. All of these activities allow us to be present with ourselves rather than trying to run away from ourselves.

When you self-soothe, you usually find relief from stress and calmness after being stressed out. Feelings of emotions will remain, but will feel more manageable because you are self-soothing.

Your body becomes soft and calm, your mind is in a still, calm state, and you have more ability to respond than react to a stressful situation. Although self-soothing will not get rid of the uncomfortable feeling, it allows you the safety to be aware of the uncomfortable feeling and to respond to it accordingly.

Learn to listen to your nervous system at Bespoke Metamorphosis. Book a consultation to learn more.

Self-sabotage often mimics comfort

Self-sabotaging behavior surfaces similarly but has different body-based sensations. Self-sabotaging also includes urgency and compulsion as well as avoidance; for example, working too many hours, using screens and other distractions to alleviate numbness, staying in unhealthy familiar patterns, or avoiding difficult conversations.

Although these strategies may give temporary relief, over time they ultimately create additional stress to the body.

One of the most important differences between self-sabotaging behavior and more constructive options is the aftermath of the behaviour. Self-sabotaging behaviour commonly leaves you feeling disconnected from yourself, guilty about your actions, or exhausted.

Furthermore, although the body may experience some amount of relief immediately following the self-sabotaging behaviour, it will generally continue to stay elevated at a higher level of tension for an extended period of time.

When your body has used these behaviours as coping mechanisms, know that you have not failed in any way; these behaviours are adaptive solutions to a lack of better coping options at that time.

You might be interested in: How the nervous system rewrites your reality (and how to rewrite it back)

Your body offers clear signals

The nervous system communicates through sensation. Before engaging in a behavior, notice whether your body feels rushed, tight, or pressured — or whether there is space and choice. Afterward, notice whether you feel more grounded or more distant from yourself.

Self-soothing tends to feel supportive and regulating, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. Self-sabotage often creates a cycle of short-term relief followed by long-term strain. Bringing awareness to these patterns helps interrupt automatic responses and creates room for intentional care.

It's time to listen to yourself. Learn how at Bespoke Metamorphosis.

Meeting needs with awareness and kindness

Both self-soothing and self-sabotage stem from the same fundamental emotion: a need. The main difference between self-soothing and self-sabotage is that when one meets this need in a direct fashion (self-soothing), it provides immediate relief; however, when one meets this need indirectly (self-sabotage), the need for connection is not fulfilled.

Instead of trying to change or stop the behaviour, consider identifying what you can do to support yourself at that moment. The more clearly and compassionately we meet our needs, the better equipped we will be to develop new and more effective methods of regulating the nervous system.

You might like to read: What your triggers are trying to tell You: a guide to emotional root work

Choosing presence over judgment

Recognizing these patterns is not about perfection. It’s about developing a kinder relationship with yourself. Some days you’ll choose well. Other days you’ll fall back into habit. Both are part of learning.

When you respond with curiosity instead of judgment, the body begins to trust you. And when trust grows, the nervous system naturally shifts toward choices that support steadiness, presence, and well-being — not because you forced change, but because safety made it possible.

If this resonates with you, don’t hesitate to book a free consultation today.

Also, we invite you to follow us on social media, check our instragram and our facebook page for more information. And check all our blog post content here.

Categories: : blog